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Parental Peer Pressure
It’s Not Just Kids Who Feel the Push to Conform
By Kathy Sena
These day, "Everybody's doing it" isn't being uttered just by pre-teens trying to cajole
mom into allowing an unsupervised afternoon at the mall. As the mother of a 10-year-
old son who isn’t allowed to see PG-13 movies yet, I’ve had my share of awkward
moments when other moms tell me I’m being overprotective:
“Oh, I’ve seen (_____), and the language and violence aren’t that bad. And the
sexual parts just go over their heads, anyway.”
Then there’s the line I heard from several parents when my son was in second grade,
and half the kids in his class were already coming to school talking about the PG-13
movies they’d seen: “My son has an older brother, so he’s already seen all this stuff.
There’s not much you can do about it.”
Fortunately, I’m not alone in feeling like the odd mom out at times. “My daughter’s
taking dance lessons and I think the moves and the costumes are too sexy for a
young girl,” a friend tells me. “The other moms just laugh and say ‘it’s cute!’ I don’t
want to be a prude, but…”
“Your Mom won’t let you do that?”
Sometimes things can get downright pushy. “The mother of one of my son’s friends
was very persistent about my son walking from her house to ours alone,” another
friend tells me. “She also thought the boys should be able to play at the park by
themselves. It wasn’t so difficult for me to say no, but she proceeded to tell my son
that ‘It really would be OK, but your mom doesn’t think you’re responsible enough
yet.’ Oh, thanks!”
Many parents say they feel like they’re back in middle school themselves as they try
to deal with the fallout from being (seemingly, anyway) the lone parent in their group
who won’t buy the latest teen-rated (or worse) video game, who
won’t let their third-grade daughter make phone calls to boys, or who won’t allow their
11-year-old son to hang out on myspace.com.
Asking the Tough Questions
It takes a determined effort to not just go with the parenting flow, says Nancy Franklin,
who has a 14-year-old son and a 13-year-old daughter. “We’ve developed the very
embarrassing habit of calling the parents of our kids’ friends and meeting them face
to face,” she says. “We try to get a sense of what goes on at their house. Do the
parents stay at home and supervise when their kids have friends over? Are there
older siblings? Have the older siblings ever been in trouble? Is the liquor cabinet
locked?”
“All tough questions — but we ask them,” adds Nancy’s husband, Joe. Are other
parents busy calling the Franklins’ home on a similar mission? Not so much.
Unfortunately, the Franklins are in the minority when it comes to sticking their necks
out, according to Susan Newman, Ph.D., social psychologist and author of The Book
of NO: 250 Ways to Say It — and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever
(McGraw-Hill; 2006). Many parents are afraid of appearing too strict or of not being
one of the “cool parents,” she says.
Swimming Upstream
Newman says some parents are afraid other parents will feel they are judging or
disapproving when they refuse to allow their children to have or do the latest thing.
“Parents, like their children, want to be part of the group — often at any cost or
sacrifice to their values or pocketbook,” she explains.
Increasing Stakes
Parents often feel pressured by other parents to overlook drinking as kids get older,
says Newman. If your kid goes to a party, for example, and you call the parents to see
who will be there to chaperone, whether there will be alcohol, etc., you’re often made
to feel like an oddball for even calling.
“Concerned parents must be involved, even if they think they will ‘look bad’ in the
eyes of other parents or their own children,” says Newman.
Of course, many parents realize the importance of sticking to their guns, even at the
risk of being (temporarily, they hope) unpopular. “But even those parents who don’t
care so much about being included, liked, or thought of as ‘good guys’ do worry that
their offspring will be left out or will feel left out,” says Newman. “But if, as a parent,
you feel strongly about the values you want to instill, you will, at times, have to buck
the crowd.”
Strength in Numbers
As parents of younger children, sometimes we can learn a lot from a parent who has
already been down this road: “Over the years, I’ve found it helpful to tether myself to
other women who have the same ideas about parenting that I do,” says Ellen Cajka,
the mother of a college-aged daughter and another daughter in middle school.
“Sometimes it’s more like a lifeline than a tether!” she laughs. “It’s also nice to have
other parents to talk with who aren’t necessarily the parents of your kids’ best
friends,” she adds, noting that these parents can help you look at the ‘dilemma of the
day’ a bit more objectively.
It’s Not Just Kids Who Feel the Push to Conform
By Kathy Sena
These day, "Everybody's doing it" isn't being uttered just by pre-teens trying to cajole
mom into allowing an unsupervised afternoon at the mall. As the mother of a 10-year-
old son who isn’t allowed to see PG-13 movies yet, I’ve had my share of awkward
moments when other moms tell me I’m being overprotective:
“Oh, I’ve seen (_____), and the language and violence aren’t that bad. And the
sexual parts just go over their heads, anyway.”
Then there’s the line I heard from several parents when my son was in second grade,
and half the kids in his class were already coming to school talking about the PG-13
movies they’d seen: “My son has an older brother, so he’s already seen all this stuff.
There’s not much you can do about it.”
Fortunately, I’m not alone in feeling like the odd mom out at times. “My daughter’s
taking dance lessons and I think the moves and the costumes are too sexy for a
young girl,” a friend tells me. “The other moms just laugh and say ‘it’s cute!’ I don’t
want to be a prude, but…”
“Your Mom won’t let you do that?”
Sometimes things can get downright pushy. “The mother of one of my son’s friends
was very persistent about my son walking from her house to ours alone,” another
friend tells me. “She also thought the boys should be able to play at the park by
themselves. It wasn’t so difficult for me to say no, but she proceeded to tell my son
that ‘It really would be OK, but your mom doesn’t think you’re responsible enough
yet.’ Oh, thanks!”
Many parents say they feel like they’re back in middle school themselves as they try
to deal with the fallout from being (seemingly, anyway) the lone parent in their group
who won’t buy the latest teen-rated (or worse) video game, who
won’t let their third-grade daughter make phone calls to boys, or who won’t allow their
11-year-old son to hang out on myspace.com.
Asking the Tough Questions
It takes a determined effort to not just go with the parenting flow, says Nancy Franklin,
who has a 14-year-old son and a 13-year-old daughter. “We’ve developed the very
embarrassing habit of calling the parents of our kids’ friends and meeting them face
to face,” she says. “We try to get a sense of what goes on at their house. Do the
parents stay at home and supervise when their kids have friends over? Are there
older siblings? Have the older siblings ever been in trouble? Is the liquor cabinet
locked?”
“All tough questions — but we ask them,” adds Nancy’s husband, Joe. Are other
parents busy calling the Franklins’ home on a similar mission? Not so much.
Unfortunately, the Franklins are in the minority when it comes to sticking their necks
out, according to Susan Newman, Ph.D., social psychologist and author of The Book
of NO: 250 Ways to Say It — and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever
(McGraw-Hill; 2006). Many parents are afraid of appearing too strict or of not being
one of the “cool parents,” she says.
Swimming Upstream
Newman says some parents are afraid other parents will feel they are judging or
disapproving when they refuse to allow their children to have or do the latest thing.
“Parents, like their children, want to be part of the group — often at any cost or
sacrifice to their values or pocketbook,” she explains.
Increasing Stakes
Parents often feel pressured by other parents to overlook drinking as kids get older,
says Newman. If your kid goes to a party, for example, and you call the parents to see
who will be there to chaperone, whether there will be alcohol, etc., you’re often made
to feel like an oddball for even calling.
“Concerned parents must be involved, even if they think they will ‘look bad’ in the
eyes of other parents or their own children,” says Newman.
Of course, many parents realize the importance of sticking to their guns, even at the
risk of being (temporarily, they hope) unpopular. “But even those parents who don’t
care so much about being included, liked, or thought of as ‘good guys’ do worry that
their offspring will be left out or will feel left out,” says Newman. “But if, as a parent,
you feel strongly about the values you want to instill, you will, at times, have to buck
the crowd.”
Strength in Numbers
As parents of younger children, sometimes we can learn a lot from a parent who has
already been down this road: “Over the years, I’ve found it helpful to tether myself to
other women who have the same ideas about parenting that I do,” says Ellen Cajka,
the mother of a college-aged daughter and another daughter in middle school.
“Sometimes it’s more like a lifeline than a tether!” she laughs. “It’s also nice to have
other parents to talk with who aren’t necessarily the parents of your kids’ best
friends,” she adds, noting that these parents can help you look at the ‘dilemma of the
day’ a bit more objectively.
